List of characters

Stephan "Steve" Bruise
16 years old. 5 foot 9, 150 pounds. Messy brown hair, blue eyes, freckles and braces. Big hands with long fingers. Has a fast-paced life and tries to organize his life in his head, but isn't very good at doing everything at once. Has everything in his life planned ahead. Has not much going for him other than calls with friends, parties, skateboarding, trips to the coffeeshop and work. Good at things like giving job interviews and filling out tax forms; not good with things like knowing what to say to make someone feel better. Young, earnest and idealistic. He can get red-faced about injustices that he comes across. He is popular and has a very diverse group of friends. Is the skeptical one when solving crimes with Peter. Has recently broken up with Luann Meyer and is the current boyfriend of Rochelle Conti. In the past he has dated and broken up with Artemisia Feldman, Yesenia Cruz, and Jessica Bunce (twice). He does not want to become a parent or fall into the rut of working to pay a down payment on a house. Is a virgin. Works at the Gap. Has a bad habit of brushing hair out of his face. His full name is Stephan Genkins Bruise, as his parents were Third Eye Blind fans. Steve eats Tropo-bran for breakfast. Drinks coffee and Fanta, and has alcohol only at parties. Has no pets. Is agnostic, and never gave thought to whether God exists or whether the Bible is true. Listens to the artists Ethan Milian, Purple Kohlrabi, the Shrine Kneelers, and Thirst. His wardrobe includes many black T-shirts and white T-shirts, some pocket tees, a red-and-white- striped T-shirt, a black concert T-shirt with Ethan Milian's face on it, a Shrine Kneelers T-shirt, many striped polos, some white dress shirts, a brown suede jacket, khakis, cargo pants, and cargo shorts; Steve wears boxers at night. Steve is currently playing host to Diamond-Zuckerman disease.

Peter Stouffer
Steve's friend. Blonde Beatles cut, blue eyes, freckles. An amateur private detective who has databases and labs in his basement that solve mysteries. He looks complacently poppy, as he always has his red-and-white-striped T-shirts and headphones on (he listens to techno). Speaks using a lot of slang and jargon. Is the confident one when it comes to solving mysteries. Is currently dating Tenisha Coleman.

Ramón Alvarado
Black hair and brown eyes; dresses like a skater. Apparently related to a man who was a Cuban druglord before Cuba legalized drugs. Loves psychedelic candies like Swirl 360's, Schatz and Lava Stix, and has an addiction-like craving for them. Depends on others to buy them for him. Snappy and irritable. However, he proves to have a caring side, as when he hears Steve in hospitalized, he cancels his request for candy that day and offers to send Steve a get-well card.

Ricardo "Richie" Fernandez
Unkempt black hair, brown eyes, wears striped polos with khakis and a jacket (and plays with the lapel of his jacket as a nervous tic). Steve's friend since they were both 5 years old. Has made it through all that time with him, including break-ups with seven different girlfriends, and gone on summer vacations with him; they go to Florida every year. Doesn't really have anyone else besides Steve. Has a suburban, inside-the-house sort of warmth to him. Just got a job at Harburg's. Has a sister named Stephanie and an aunt named Marita. His favorite band is Bleach, of whom he has been a fan since he was 13. He loves it when the parties have oatmeal cookies or Fig Newtons. Watches old (as in pre-2020) movies with Steve. He is now dating Sharon Moran.

Sandy Olson
Steve's friend. Blonde hair, blue eyes; shown wearing jeans and a black tank top. Chews gum while talking, and Steve often jokes that she is “keeping Wrigley’s in business” with the constancy of her gum-chewing. Has a very stringy voice. Not good at figuring out tax forms. Likes to talk about her cat. Is dating Greg Erikson.

Jessica Bunce
Steve's friend. Has red hair in a pageboy, green eyes and freckles. At the party she is wearing a white camisole, red tights and brown pumps. Steve has been friends with her almost as long as he's been friends with Ricardo. Jessica has dated Steve, twice. It ended the same way both times. Each time they mutually decided to end it, and they stayed friends. Steve and his friends always think their relationship was exactly like one on their favorite Sunday night sitcom, Pals. Jessica is perfectionistic. Works as a receptionist for a highly respected law firm named Brian & Wynn. Often speaks in a motherly tone of voice to ex-boyfriend Steve.

Stephanie Fernandez
Steve's friend. Short, with dark brown hair in a ponytail and brown eyes. Stephanie is Ricardo's sister; which makes the obligation to be friends with her exist. Works at the Los Caballos Police Department and owns a eight-point hat that she puts on when she wants to make it look as if she is on duty. Is dating a boy named Andy.

Jeff King
Curly black hair, dark skin. Wears a visor, sunglasses, shorts, flip-flops and a white T-shirt that says JEFF in blue block letters. Absolutely loaded. Jeff King has amassed his fortune through the invention of the most useful gadgets ever. He created the telepaper, with which invention Jeff has netted $146 billion dollars (that is the equivalent of $1.3 billion dollars today.) Has also invented the in-house water transportation system (a one-foot-wide stream that runs all around the house). All you have to do is grab a tube off the many hooks located around the house, and get in the stream. The motion-sensored jets will immediately push you to the room of your choice. Whenever you aren't using the stream floorboards will come over the stream. It is the coolest and hippest thing invented in the twelveties. Also has invented Max-i-Mized coffee powder and umbrella that shrinks to one thirtieth of its original size. Has a casual personality.

Sharon Moran
17 years old. Brown hair and hazel eyes. Sharon wears a glitter-covered white top and orange skirt with Birkenstocks to the party. She is always there to support and encourage Steve, as she will tell him that he is a fine person who would do fine, and he will believe it. Knows all the other kids, both in her immediate circle of friends and not, and knows all the social groups. Can recognize at once who and what a person was. Her tendencies only naturally drive her to play matchmaker now and then, as she knows everything from people's taste in fast food to their astrological sign, and thinks she knows what would click with what. This little butterfly has a sweet, wet voice endearing to all who listens to it. Hosts parties at her house in which she always has a pleasant surprise for her party guests, and also hosts the meeting at which Steve's friends decide what to do to help Steve when he is ill. Is a liberal who thinks of gay marriage: "Awwwww, I think they look cute. Seeing a couple in a tuxedo and another tuxedo, or in a gown and another gown . . ." Believes in everyone's individuality. Is dating Richie Fernandez.

Adrian Kerekes
A partygoer. Brown hair, blue eyes and freckles. At the party he is wearing a black T-shirt and jeans. He looks a lot like Steve, except he is a little chunkier than Steve is. He works at the Open-mart, the last convenience store in the area not to have automated employees. Adrian likes Sulfur Pie, Glue Stain and Feel the Brace, and always wants the radio or music video station to be playing those songs. Listens to the radio station KRTC ("Krotch"). Reckless, and drinks beer (he also craves Mongolian beef). Says "dude" a lot when he speaks. Is a Buddhist, and says, "No matter how much beer I drink, I can never get all the beer I want. I can never get that orgasm, that light shining upon me, that perfect thrill, that . . ." Is currently dating Jocasta Lin.

Kevin Flax
A partygoer. Kevin has black dreadlocks and brown eyes. He is wearing a plaid flannel shirt and khakis at the party. He is addicted to heroin, and has some scars on his arm. Kevin is interested in intellectual things and politics, and always has something to talk about. Hates President LeGrand, and hates bad spelling and miseducation. A witty lad. Is Rastafarian. Is dating Kiomars Tehrani.

Jocasta Lin
A partygoer. Jocasta is Chinese-American, with black hair and brown eyes, and is wearing a black halter top, black and purple striped leggings and black boots at the party. Outgoing, bouncy and sexualized. Enjoys grinding. She is, ironically, nervous about talking to boys she likes. Gymnastically skilled (she is shown doing backflips at the party). Has a particular liking for guys with brown hair, blue eyes and freckles. Is a Christian, and does not believe the Bible condemns homosexuality. Says, "We may be worried about leaving people behind or we may not like the idea of the pain involved in death, but the aspect of dying itself seems very attractive.” Describes Heaven as "It’s. . . it’s beautiful. Imagine eating red velvet and not having to worry about calories. Imagine beautiful girls. You see, to us Christians, death is like a relief. We’re going to be with all-good God for an eternity and beyond!”

Rochelle Conti
16 years old. Steve’s current girlfriend. Has curly blonde hair and hazel eyes, and is wearing a blue baby doll dress to the party. Observant. A lovely and romantic type who can tell when other people are falling in love. Buys Steve flowers and chocolates. Wants to become a fashion designer when she grows up. Loves Marine World. Wants children – wants to have a son first and then a daughter, and is considering using GST (Genetic Selection Technology).

Avery Graham
A partygoer. Avery has unkempt brown hair and grey eyes, and wears polo shirts and khaki cargo shorts. Always has some wild tale of adventure to share with Steve and his friends. Ends his sentences with "right?" a lot when speaking. Wily. Is dating Tae-yeon Park.

Luann Meyer
Steve's ex-girlfriend. Has fairly short brown hair, brown eyes, glasses and freckles. Luann is wearing a pink polo shirt with a blue cashmere sweater over it, corduroys and penny loafers to the party. A reactionary who dislikes the reforms that have occurred since the 90's, and dislikes Communism and radicalism of any stripe. Is a fundamentalist Christian. Fond of Republican President LeGrand. She broke up with Steve because she wanted to be settled down in a Victorian house with three children, and Steve didn't want to think of settling down. Is Adrian's designated driver. Sometimes giggles when she speaks.

Greg Erikson
Sandy's boyfriend. Lanky, with a brown boy’s cut, blue eyes and freckles. At the meeting he wears flip-flops, blue jeans, a polo with red, white and blue stripes, and a blue baseball cap with the bill pointing backwards. Is a new-ager. A fan of Aquetta, who often listens to music with his eyes closed.

Kiomars (Kio) Tehrani
Kevin's boyfriend. Black hair that sticks up like a flame, brown eyes and a black beard. Has a nose ring. Wears sunglasses, a black T-shirt, cargo shorts and black skateboarding shoes to the meeting. Is Muslim, and refuses to drink beer.

Tenisha Coleman
Peter's girlfriend. Frizzy black hair in a ponytail and brown eyes. At the meeting she wears a polka-dotted blouse, a brown suede jacket, a triangular pink skirt and jellies. Is very hip and likes all the hottest bands of the day.

Tae-yeon Park
Avery's girlfriend. Black hair in a ponytail and brown eyes. Wears sunglasses with a pink frame. At the party she wears a zebra-print top with spaghetti straps, a red velvet skirt and black platform shoes. Likes teenybopper music like the boy band All at Once. Tends to be naïve and not to realize that other people are not into boy bands.

Alyssa Weber
47 years old. Steve's mother. Has flowing wavy blonde hair, blue eyes and glasses. Appears in a peasant dress in earth tones and aqua sandals when Richie comes over. Is a peaceful, loving person. Was listening to Third Eye Blind when she and Mr. Bruise named their kids. Is proud of Rochelle because she "didn’t let Steve’s illness stop [her] from speaking clearly" during the King TV interview.

Vanessa Carlton Bruise
19 years old. Steve's sister. Beautiful, with long, wavy brown hair and brown eyes. When she meets Steve she wears a white crop top with blue jeans and sandals. Is a student at Swarthmore to wants to tell everyone there her brother is famous!

Brad Hargreaves Bruise
14 years old. Steve's brother. Wild brown hair, green eyes and freckles, and is a bit shorter than Steve. When he meets Richie, he is wearing a black hoodie, a striped polo, old jeans and red Angels, a popular brand of tennis shoe. Friends with Richie as well. Wears his heart on his sleeve, and likes to give hugs.

John Jones
About 50. Bulky, balding with dark brown hair and one brown eye. Has a prosthetic eye of the futuristic model that actually sees. He lives a double life, working in the hospital.

Jeffrey "Switcher" Hess
About 40. Muscular build, grunge-rocker-like brown hair and blue eyes. Runs a team that has the most stolen cards, at 37. Wears a sombrero that shows up at Sharon's house when they steal her AALL card.

Lee Wayne Sutherland
40 years old. Overweight, blonde and blue-eyed, with a moustache. Wears a plaid shirt and jeans. Has 12 stolen cards, as well as the cash to buy a deal with stolen cards. Has a rural flavor to his mannerisms and his expressions ("As sure as the hills are green with cow pies").

Frank Precioso
In his mid-forties. Of medium build with black hair and a moustache, in his mid-forties. Hispanic. Often laughs to himself.

The man in the leather jacket
A man who has a deal with the four AALL card thieves at the bridge.

Gita Dhaliwal, RN, BSN
A petite woman with black hair and brown eyes. She is the nurse to first attends to Steve when he enters the hospital. Says, “Congratulations!” when Steve regains consciousness, the meaning of which confuses him at first.

Andrew Jacoby, RN, BSN
Sixtyish. Has salt-and-pepper dreadlocks, grey eyes, a circle beard and glasses. He is the nurse who asks Steve his personal information to fill out a form. A soft guy who jokes around with his patients a lot. Drops the G at the end of "-ing" words when he speaks.

Suzanne Ahmed
A tiny Lebanese woman. Works as a nurse at the hospital where Steve goes. Smiles and chats with her clients while she is with them.

Dr. Ravi Thakkar
Black hair, brown eyes, square glasses and a moustache that he often fiddles with. The doctor who diagnoses Steve and tells him he has Diamond-Zuckerman disease. Clinical, and scientific-minded, but he's not an atheist and tells Steve he "will meditate for" him.

Zoe Dabkowski
Blonde ponytail, green eyes and a septum ring, with a top-heavy body. A nurse who works on the infectious disease floor. Steve sees her as "full of life", which keeps him alive.

Joyce Levine
93 years old. Curly grey hair that she had rinsed a powdery light blue, and hazel eyes. Wrinkles, with a head that appears unable to stand straight up, and gold fillings. Wears a beige balmacaan over a white blouse and floral capris; has two pearl earrings and a pearl necklace. Uses a wheelchair. Is a woman who has been on the infectious disease floor for a long time and talks with Steve. Knows how to appreciate the beauty of things around her. Grew up in the fifties, and likes artists such as Elvis, Little Richard, Buddy Holly and Bill Haley and the Comets, but she is also up-to-date enough to know about contemporary music (although she doesn't like grank). Can do impressions of old celebrities, and takes the heart the quote from Henry van Dyke: "Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no bird sang except those that sang the best". At the beginning of every day, she tells herself, "OK, I’m going to live through this day, I’m going to make it out alive". Has a son named David and a daughter named Heather, five grandchildren, and seven great-grandchildren (including a great-granddaughter named Madison). Says, “When Madison comes over, she talks like she knows she’s going to see me again, even though my grandson Jordan is concerned every trip could be the last one”. She references her family's fears to cover her own fears.

Anna
A blonde girl. Works at the GAP.

Jenny
An African-American girl. Works at the GAP.

Man with System of a Down beard
A homeless man listening to his grank music on St. Charles Bridge. Has DZD, and sneezes on Steve without covering his mouth.

President Rutherford LeGrand
In his fifties. Grey businessman haircut, brown eyes, and a pot belly. Wears a grey suit. The president of the United States, who is seeking reëlection this year. A Republican who defends capitalism to the death (and refuses to coöperate with Communists), says automated employees will help the economy, and is trying to deny adoption to same-sex couples. Thinks he understands what most Americans want. Smirks a lot. A Gallup poll taken April 19-21 shows 34% of Americans approve of LeGrand’s job as president, and 61% disapprove.

Miguel Ortiz
34 years old. Messy black hair and a goatee. Wears a grey button-down shirt and blue jeans. Is a union leader from New Mexico who hates LeGrand, and says his "claim that automated employees will improve the economy is patently false". Interviewed on King TV, whereon he says: “Every era brings its own changes, and with those changes new problems are created that need to be fixed”.

Lyndsay Spelt
A Democratic challenger to President LeGrand. Wants free education for illegal immigrants.

Ryan Ferrell
A political figure, described by Kevin as "that lord of oral sex and enough sodas to make him a blimp". Both LeGrand and Spelt have accepted bribes from him.

Ahn Soon-Yi
Head of North Korea, the last Communist nation on Earth. Is having negotiations with LeGrand, who disdains her for her party.

Jessica Vartanian
In her forties. Brown ponytail and brown eyes. A King TV anchor.

Trevor Ho
23 years old. Unkempt black hair, brown eyes and glasses. A King TV anchor.

Larry Brown
In his late twenties. Dark skin, black hair and brown eyes with a chinstrap beard. A King TV anchor.

Lindsay Ritter
In her thirties. Long, silky blonde hair and brown eyes. A King TV anchor.

Mark Giannakis
22 years old. Has bleach-blonde hair and goatee with blue eyes. At Sharon's party, he wears a white tank top, jeans, sandals, a tech vest and an ankh necklace. Is the lead singer of Bleach. A student at Northwest University. Speaks in a slangy fashion, and addresses people as "mate". He thinks things like vomit on the floor would be good cover art.

Trey
The drummer from Bleach.

Aquetta
A popular musician who does new age music. She does yoga underwater in her music video for the song "Bring Me the Day".

Stan Dzwonkowski
Lead singer of Sulfur Pie, an edgy act that has often violent lyrics. He plays alone in a restaurant in his music video for the song "The Reason".

Zach Stillwell
Lead singer of the band Thirst. Does foreboding, black songs in a genre called kuro.